There are no words ...

I have had quite a lot on my mind lately, but I just haven't been able to vocalize my thoughts, or feel ready to share them ... And I still think there are some things I'm not ready to share, and I may never be. But I do have a few things I think everyone should hear. First, I have a new found understanding of many, many things. The loss of a loved one in an untimely manner will do that to you. I know everyone grieves differently, and in their own ways and on their own time, but I still believe that everyone who loses someone close to them re-evaluates every aspect of life. Some more than others, but everyone does it.
I don't think I'm an extremely critical person, but I do judge. Yes I admit it. And I also admit that I judge even before I may know or understand the whole situation or story. And most people who judge others do it in the same manner... ie: I would have _____. She shouldn't ______. If I were her I'd _______. I don't know why they _____. Because for some reason, I'm under the false impression that I know everything, and I could handle every situation the best way it should be handled with no mistakes. Funny that I think that, because most of the time, all I can see are my OWN mistakes, and my own flaws. So why would I think I'd have any better solution to people's problems when I can't even get a good handle on my own? ~ Human nature?? Maybe? I know! It's the optimist in me. I still believe I can fix everything and everyone. However, my efforts are proving me wrong in that department.
Anyway... Back to my new found understanding. This takes a lot of guts for me. See, I have to admit that I was judgemental, insincere, and hypocritical. And that's tough for anyone to admit, but I know I was wrong so I guess I'll admit it. Admission is the first step to recovery ... Right?
My brother passed away 5 weeks ago. There are no words that describe how one feels at a time like this.  None. It is an emotional roller coaster that no one wants to ride, but some of us get the unfortunate experience anyway. I spent the first 24 hours trying to understand how I was supposed to react, but not reacting at all. No I was not numb. I was paused. I was ... I guess letting all the information sink in. I was trying to understand my own feelings. Then I spent the next 24 hours being tough and doing what needed to be done. Helping mom and dad, taking whatever burdens off of their shoulders that I could, keeping funeral plans moving along, pushing away tears, and making sure my brother's two little girls were OK.  And after that day I lost it... I just finally let go.
 My husband asked me a simple question, and everything came rolling out.  My sorrow, my guilt, my anger, my questions, my fears... everything.  I had a good cry. I had a sense of understanding, and yet I was still confused. My husband tried to comfort me, as he too knows what it's like to lose a loved one, and watch your parents suffer thru that emotional trauma.  He's done the questioning of himself, he's suffered the pain, he's seen the aftermath of sorrow, guilt and anger when he lost his baby sister just short of her 2nd birthday.  It's something you deal with.  It's something you move past, but it is not something you forget. It is not something that gets easier, it's just something you learn from and adapt to.  But you always hurt, and you always question. 
Everyone has and will continue to tell me that I can't feel guilty, or question my own actions and behaviors.  Go ahead, tell me that all you want ... It won't change a thing.  As of today, I believe that I will always feel some guilt, and I will always question myself.  I may come to terms with one or more things as time goes on, but I know that I made mistakes throughout my relationship with my brother, and for that I have a right to feel guilty.  I have a right, and need, to remember those mistakes, and to make them right in every other relationship I have with my loved ones.  It was a tough lesson to learn, but obviously one I needed to learn.  I am humbled beyond comprehension. This guilt is a way of reminding me that I can, and should do better.
I know my brother knows that I love him.  I know that because I believe that since his passing, he has access to my hearts desires and knows how and what I am feeling.  But he didn't know it while he was here. Not on this earth, with me.
While he was here, I saw his addictions.  I saw his flaws.  I saw very few of his talents or contributions, but they were there.  I was just blinded by the negative, and I allowed it to create a distance between us. I was judgemental, insincere, and hypocritical.  I was wrong.  I was mad at my parents for allowing him to continue on the road of destruction, I was mad at my brother for not seeing what it was doing to my parents, and I'm now mad at myself for not doing anything about it.  I'm mad because I bitched and complained about his actions, and about my mom and dad's actions, and I never did anything except stand back and judge.
I know my brother was sad.  I know he had issues.  I know he needed love and acceptance, and I know I didn't give it to him. I know and understand why my mom and dad did what they did.  I know how the protective instinct grabs a hold of you, and how you'd do or say anything to defend your son/brother.  I know all of this now... now that he is gone. I know he had his own demons, but once you lose someone, you begin to reflect on everything you'll miss about them.  And guess what?  Their flaws are not the things you think about.  You think of their smile, their laughter, their talents, their accomplishments, and their love.  And that's all you want others to remember as well. 
That's where this protective instinct kicks in.  And until that moment, I didn't understand my parents thoughts and/or actions. But I do now.  I still don't think they were right, and I would like to believe I would have handled things differently, but I can't say for sure that I really would have.  Because they were letting their hearts and emotions guide them.  When maybe a little less emotion and a little more tough love might have made things better... But there's that questioning.  Who knows? And I bet my parents are even questioning themselves.  I'm sure they are.  But they will never know how or what would have changed things.  No one will ever know.  We think that a different course of action may have changed the outcome, but it's not guaranteed. All we can do is learn and move forward.
One thing I do know... is that T.R should have known that I truly loved him.  He should have known that before he left this earth.  For that I will forever feel guilt. 

XoXoXo~  Destry

Ok- I get it. Drama doesn't stop after Jr. High

Soooo... A very crazy week here!  Well - few weeks for that matter.  And I know some of you will be offended by this, but female bosses (for the most part) are psycho, high n mighty, control freaks!  Yikes!  (And to think, she runs a company that employs nearly 80 other women!)  Now I know there are a few women out there in leadership roles that totally rock... I've even had a few for bosses at one time or another.  But most of you will have to agree with me (even those of you who ARE the female bosses), that most women bosses are MORE personally involved, and LESS professional when someone they don't care for is under their supervision.  Right??  You know you agree.... and I know it, but you can deny it.  Some of you will, and if so, then you're probably just like the one I'm referencing.  Again, I'm not saying ALL, but sadly, most. 

So... a few weeks ago I get home from a weekend camping trip and retrieve my voice messages.

1st message is from the above noted 'boss' - (sort of - I'm legally self-employed, but they do handle the contract and cut the check... so)... anyway, the message says: "Oh, sorry I missed you.  I hate to leave this in a message, I really need to talk to you today. (By the way, this message was left on a Friday afternoon at 1:30 and she was leaving for a 10 day vacation the following day) Anyway, she continues her message, "They (the co. I'm contracted to) are requesting a change for Whatshizname. (My client, and the one I consider my real boss, because he is who I actually work for.)  Anyway, in order to make this less confusing ... I'll just recap... in a general manner...
- She says he's being reassigned.
- But.. the next message is from my client, Mr. Whatshizname, and he says "Hey give me a call, do you know what's going on here?"
- No, I don't --- No he doesn't... So who requested what change?? huh?

Anyway long story short, and to spare those of you who are already lost in this mess, she basically doesn't like me - not really news to me, but I don't care, I don't like her either.  However, she came very close to losing business by trying to pull this crap... She's the kind of person who has been able to get her way for most of her life, ... until she tried to take me on... But because she doesn't like me, she thought she could  pull one of my best clients from me, give him to someone else, and assume that he and I weren't going to question it??  And believe me - she had some great explanations... or rather B.S. excuses! ... Anyway, once I started to question her and her actions, and once she realized that I had more info then she thought I did, and once she stared feeling the heat of being asked to explain herself and her reasons/actions, she threw her hands up.  She quit responding to me, and pushed the responsibility off onto another woman who is also in her employ.... CRAZY, and totally unprofessional.. Not good when you're risking the loss of business from a multi-million dollar company.  But again, she's probably been able to push people around her whole life with little or no confrontations, and then .... THERE WAS ME! 

I'm sure she's still reeling... because I know I am, and I won.  But I still wish she'd have called me back, because there's still a few items I wanted to have her explain to me.  Still question's I want answered, but then again... she doesn't have a professional answer, and I've already debunked all the other excuses she gave me... so I guess that's a little satisfaction.  I'd just like to say, "So, what is it about me that makes you feel so threatened?"  And "Was this attempt of yours to 'try to put me in my place' really worth the possibility of losing hundreds of thousands of dollars in business, by showing the management of your biggest contractor how UNprofessional you can be??"  Maybe she needs some counseling.

Signing off ~ XoXOXo

Notes to myself:

* Quit drinking coffee when I'm wearing white.  It doesn't matter how careful I am, ... I'm gonna SPILL.
* Try and remember those lessons I taught myself when I needed to SAY NO. ....  I'm a little rusty I guess!
* First and foremost, be a mom.... the rest of the world can fend for themselves for all I care.
* Don't be too quick to judge. I may not know the whole story.
* Even if I don't know the whole story, I still know all the answers!(Why can't people just be like me?)- j/k
* Love myself .... .... ..... ..... ..... .... (at least try)

XoXoxO... Signing off!

My Own Cynical Sunday Sermon...

I know, we should all give service, and be charitable, but I'm in some sort of mood today!  Why is it that we are ALWAYS helping the SAME people?  Seriously, week after week, year after year?? Yes, I actually went to church today, and what I heard was great, and actually has nothing to do with why I'm writing this now.  But someone from our church called my husband last week, - again - for help with their car.  Now, I know Santo can't take the time to 'teach this person to fix his own damn car', but isn't ther that old saying "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; Teach a man to fish and you feed him always."  So why is it, that this so-called charity we give is to the same people - over and over again. I'm sorry, but it feels less and less like charity each time you give these people your service. (I know, I'm going to Hell - No Surprise there) But seriously, I'm having issues.  When do these people learn to better THEMSELVES? I think, unfortunately, that so many of these people fall into the 'helpless zone' and WANT to stay there.  Of course they do, no responsibility on their own shoulders. Just let everyone else do it for you.  Now, don't get me wrong, I honestly do enjoy helping people out, and I am willing to give charity, but when it's REALLY charity, not just because someone wants to take advantage of me again, and again, and again...  When it's really charity, I feel great, proud and honored to help out.  When it's the 10th time in one year with little or NO effort on their part, I feel USED.  Ther are no physical limitations holding this person back from keeping a full time job. (Mental ??  Maybe, but nothing clinically diagnosed; just apathy) And if they would try keeping any sort of job for a while, maybe they could spend a few bucks and get their car checked out by a garage.  My lover hasn't been home for more that about 24 hours in the last week, (because he's one of those people with a full-time job - and then some,) so yeah, I'm a little selfish when they want him to take more time away from home and family to be USED again. ( Satan, leave the light on for me.. I'm sure I'll be there soon.)

Anyway, I haven't updated the blog for a while, so I thought, "What the Hell... I'll teach the Sunday School Lesson today - and vent it all out on my blog!"  Hope you enjoyed the Cynical Sermon -  Be Happy, and Be Charitable!  :)

Signing Off!  XOXOXO